i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
A+ Viking dick
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
