I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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