I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
