I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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