Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
