Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
