What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize