I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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