Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
