I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well I just put wine in my tea
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
