last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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