I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
