I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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