Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize