Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
