just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
