and my herpes radar will keep us safe
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
