we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Found your dick twin last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
