they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My vagina just recognized that song.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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