I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize