now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
