How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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