I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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