pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
