my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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