Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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