Can i not drive my cunt home
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
