I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
please come you make the beer taste better
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
