You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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