I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
