so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
