Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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