my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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