his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
