Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
