I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
