mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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