Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
