i already hear my dad disowning me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
