she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
