I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
