and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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