I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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