my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
