I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
