I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Less talking, more tequila
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
