i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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