i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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