I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
