How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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