When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
