i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
