I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
