I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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