I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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