hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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